Realizing I'm at fault to my not healing.

Today as I had to face everything that hurt me, everything that has been tearing me down for months on end... I realized I was at fault for me not healing. I still head a death grip on a tiny piece of my past that I did not want to let go of. Do you know how hard that is? To realize you are hurting YOURSELF?!?!
Yeah, I also had someone help point it out to me. They didn't say I was in a deep mess, that I was in trouble, or any of the sorts...They said I was in a battle.
Surprisingly now, this doesn't hurt me. At one point in time I was at a war. What's the difference? A war is a bunch of battles all together. A battle...is well.... a battle. A single fight. That means I am at the end of my fight. The end of my long, painful run. I am almost done, but here comes my death grip.
Me being that crazy hopeless romantic that remembers all the happy times and not the time I have been hurting over it...still has a death grip on this fight. I don't want the fight to be done! Come on!!! Obviously this person meant something to me if I kept them in my life for so long! Who says they still can't be the same? I can answer my question in one word:
Time.
Time changes everything. Physically...mentally...emotionally. It just does. It makes us grow apart or grow closer. Sadly I am on the road that leads us astray, but I am tugging on that rope to pull us closer... That's only running us into a barrier of hurt, except they can't feel it. If they aren't fighting anymore, then why would they feel the pain? Huh? They are going on with their happy little life. I think it's my turn.
It's my turn to stop being at fault for my not healing. It's time to take of the band-aid. Air out my wound and let it scar. So I can tell everyone once and for all how I got stronger. I can finally say,
"I got this scar right here from a battle... I won..."

Settling for nothing less but the truth.

Yesterday was hard on me. I realized things I really and truly didn't want to realize. It actually wasn't even things... it was one thing. That thing is called the truth.
The truth does hurt. It really does. No one wants to hear it, so most of the world is covered in lies. Everyone of us is filled with little white lies and fibs. According to Jordan 3 fibs= a lie. Just to throw in some of his knowledge.
Well, what I realized wasn't me finding the truth in a lie. It was just a simple act of finding the truth, something that no one told me. It was a subject that no one went over with a fine-tooth comb or actually brushed over. It was just a subject we left untouched for my own good.
Well, when someone doesn't tell you the truth and you're curious...you tend to go paroling around and stumble upon something that leads to a domino affect. Yesterday, I had the urge to flip through pictures. Pictures, and oh yeah, pictures. I wanted to rekindle some distant memories so I wouldn't forget them, and I stumbled upon some hurtful facts. Six is a terrible number.
All of y'all are probably like, oh crap, six!!! She realized after all that, that SIX was a terrible number. Poor Carlie. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Well, to me this number is dreadful. Six days was all it took to settle into my life style of thinking I was crazy about someone, decide to wait for them. Yes, six days took me to decide that. Six days gave him time to decide I wasn't worth the wait, move on to another girl. This wouldn't have hurt me so bad if he wouldn't have skype called me that night.
Yes, he video called me to check on me and see how I was doing. While I was giddy with joy that I got to see him, he was giddy with joy that he was about to ask a girl out.
These are the moments where I wish I knew then what I know now. I wouldn't have wasted so much time, but now I have standards. I won't go below them in any way, shape, or form.
I'm settling for nothing, but the truth.

Seing things for what they truly are.

Here lately, I've had a lot to think about. I've been going through what I like to call a "Mental" domino affect. By this I mean...one thing leads me to think about something and then that thing makes me think about something else and so on. It's hard when this happens because it leads me to think about stuff that I could have sworn I had locked up in a nice little chest in my head where it could never be unlocked, so I could never think about it. But there it is. The memories flashing before my eyes whenever I zone out and cause me to think about them... A lot.
This isn't really a bad thing, but it is a hard thing. These things I've kept buried need to be thought about every once in a while to keep the memory alive. You don't want to forget memories or you will be forgetting part of something that made you who you are. I've come to realize this when I was attempting to shove painful experiences out of my head. I've also learned that totally forgetting something is impossible.
According to previous studies, if you think about something, just one thing for three minutes straight... It will be filed into your head forever. So that's why when something good happens you are supposed to stop and embrace it.
You may not be able to quickly whip that memory out of your head, but it will be there...you will remember it when your own mental domino affect happens. It will come out of nowhere and hit you square in the face.
After learning all of this... I've decided to see through the pretenses I painted over bad memories, trying to make them pretty. I've decided to stop trying to forget everything. I've officially decided I'm going to make every memory from here on out worth seeing when my domino affect happens.
I'm going to start seeing things for what they truly are...and that's beautiful.